Inadequate on All Fronts

Dear Advice Column;

Night time....

Tired............

Probably not a good time to think outloud....

But i just am not that girl.

The one that only does smart things.

No ma'am that is not me.

I am sort of a rebel in that department.

I don't want to be necessarily........

but i am starting to figure something out....

I think......

I came here to Earth...."Pre-wired"...if you will.

I already had personality traits.

I have been trying to overcome some of them....

PROBLEM IS:

They are proving to be.........

as strong as genetics.

I am not a naturally self motivated person.

I am not naturally organized and orderly.

I  go through phases where i work really hard to be these things....

I pull it off sometimes....

For a minute...

THE OTHER PROBLEM:

I AM NOT NATURALLY A CONSISTENT PERSON.

I have the best of intentions...

I have the strongest desires to override my  natural tendencies.....

I  want so badly to be consistently productive...

health conscious...

organized and motivated....

I have ideas...BIG ONES....

They just don't get carried out very often.

and half of the time when they do...

they  don't   turn   out   well    at all.

but could it be that it is not in me???

Is it possible that i am just not wired that way.

What?????

Am i here to make people feel better about themselves???

I am whining ,  i know.

But it is really bothering me and  hurting my heart today.

I am aware of one thing..........

consistently  100% of the time i am

watching out for others.

If i know you well..........if we are close

I genuinely love you!

I  will take care of your heart at all costs...in any situation.

This, i never stray from!

So maybe that is what i am prewired with.

Yes, it is a good thing to be....consistently and genuinely kind.

But is that the extent of it?

I just AM SICK OF feeling real inadequate when i try so hard to outsmart the

natural me and  ,,,,,,,,,,,,

Well............... i CONSISTENTLY FAIL.

P.s.  not talkin about right and wrong.

or overcoming temptations...  i can handle that natural man in me .

Just talkin bout  being motivated, productive, and consistently that way.

sincerely,

Slacker - ish and discouraged 

shell

going to bed... gonna be embarressed tomorrow about spillin'   it all...

oh yah,  add one more thing to the list of things i am consistent at.....

i am consistently too much of an open book..

i am nothing if not real.

won't find me trying to portray something i'm not!

I promise you that!